Faith

Religion is not spirituality.

Spirituality is the connection you feel with everything in the known universe, not just the connection you feel with "god." I understand why many, many people need god to feel this connection, but I don't. I don't need a middle-man between me and the universe.

I feel connected to the sun; I know without it, there would be no life. I feel its warmth and see its light and understand why it's the reason for my existence.
I feel connected to the sea; although I'm terrified of it and everything that lives in it. I see its enormous, airless, deadly wonder, even though I'll never belong in it.
I feel connected to every living being, be they human, animal, plant, or microbe. We can't live without one another. We are all connected, whether we feel so or not. And we all share the struggle of survival, although in varying degrees of complexity.

And I have faith. I have faith in humanity. I know people are all terrible in their own unique way, but I couldn't believe in myself if I didn't have faith in humanity. Even terrible people are good in some way. Even Hitler loved his dog; they were best friends.

I have faith in nature. I know that even when I can't see it, the sun is always there, giving life to some microorganisms and plants that will eventually give life to me and everything that I love. I know that water evaporates to the sky and falls back to the ground in a wet, hot, circle of life. I know that life is a circle.

And I have faith in life. I believe in living for the past, the present, and the future; everything matters. I believe that happiness comes from the mind; you have to find it within yourself. I believe that my sorrow is worthwhile, just like all my emotions; ignoring it will just wreck me. I believe in my fears, but I don't let them stop me from doing what makes me happy.

I'm happy. I'm content. I have a good life. I have excellent friends; people who know me and love me. I have a fulfilling job in which I can make a difference in the world. I have very satisfying hobbies that feed my mind and make it pink with health. I have just enough money so that I can pay for myself. I have two beautiful cats that have changed my life as much I have changed theirs. I have mental strength. I have confidence and determination. I have spirituality. I have faith.

That's why it hurts my feelings when people say that I'm missing something by not believing in god. Why not look at all these things that I do believe in? How can you judge me by what I don't believe in?

What hurts even more is when people I trust with my feelings try to use them to convert me. When I tell someone that I'm sad, I expect them to think, "I must do something to make Bavani feel better," not "This is a good opportunity to bring Bavani to my way of thinking." I need sympathy and love from you, not from Jesus.

Don't tell me that I'm sick because I don't pray.
Don't tell me that I'm unhappy because I don't believe in god.
Don't tell me that I need Jesus to make me happy.

I am a good person. I use my free time to do volunteer work. I don't eat meat out of compassion for factory animals. I spend money from my limited income to buy food for those in need. I try to treat everyone with kindness, even those who have wronged me. I reflect on every action I take to make sure I don't repeat any mistakes. I make sure that my conscience is clear before I listen to it. I do whatever I can to improve the lives of others.

I have never tried to make someone feel bad on purpose so that they'll believe in the same god as me. I have never told anyone with a genetic auto-immune disease that they wouldn't have gotten sick if they had found Jesus. I have never told anyone that they're all alone and that they wouldn't be so depressed if they went to church.

I have never hurt anyone in the name of religion.

If indeed your omniscient god exists, he would judge me a good human being.

What would he think of you?

My Monster

There is an enormous monster always standing behind me. It finds pleasure in taunting me, causing me pain, watching me suffer.

It makes all food taste bitter. It makes my friends seem like enemies. It points out death everywhere, in everything. It makes all the colours grey. It makes my muscles weak and my mind numb. It creeps into my head at night when I'm in bed and gives me nightmares.

It holds me back by my scruff and makes me struggle to move forward.

And yet it offers comfort. It whispers seductively into my ear, coaxing me to let go and fall back into its big, strong arms, promising to hold me tightly and keep me safe.

But it lies.

It will only pin me down gradually with its horrifying weight, slowly sliding its hands up around my throat and squeezing steadily, reveling in my increasingly terrified gasps and cries of desperation.

Still, it will whisper sweetly to me, assuring me that it will stop torturing me if I just give in and let it take me. That if I stop struggling and let it into myself, it will take me to a place where there is no pain, no suffering, no nightmares, no struggles. A place where there is nothing at all.

A place where I can rest, in peace.


This is what depression feels like.

True Friend

Get ready to read some cheesy, fucking positive stuff. Following all the negative stuff.

True friendship means love to me. There is no human relationship I cherish more.

Of course, like most cherish-able things, it is very hard to find. It's not easy to distinguish true friends from those who merely seem like true friends.

People are often untruthful, even to themselves. They tell themselves that they're good friends, and they believe it, so they make their friends believe it too.

I'm writing "they," but I mean you, my friend. I mean for you to reflect upon yourself, and your friendship with me. If you feel singled out, you know you're whom I'm talking about. You know it's your guilty conscience making you feel like a victim.

"True friends are not easy to get rid of," a true friend said to me once. She was right. She's still here. And you're gone. Gone from my life, gone from my heart. All it took were a few words. All I had to do was try to incite a reaction from you, and you ran.

True friends do not give up on friendships and quit, over and over again, just because they can't be bothered to stick out a fight. They love you enough to endure the anguish, and the pain of healing, together.
True friends do not feel pity when you open up and show them your scars. They feel sorrow, anger, compassion. They don't belittle your suffering even if they don't understand it. And they try to understand.
True friends stand by you no matter how great your need is. Even when your burden is so heavy it flattens you, they try to shift it so you can breathe.
True friends do judge you; all of you. Not just your mistakes and flaws, but your virtues, too. And when they find they can't accept something about you, they try to change you for the better, instead of discarding you like a rotten piece of fruit.
True friends are kind to those who are important to you even if they do not approve of them.
True friends try to make things better after they've hurt you. They don't just lay low until everything blows over.
True friends give you as much of them as you give them of yourself.

Listen, my friend.

I was angry that you didn't treat me the way I should have been treated. I tried to make you fulfill my expectations, and lashed out in frustration when you didn't. I was disappointed that you didn't care for me as much as I thought you did. I'm sorry.

For whatever reason, you weren't able to be a true friend. And that's okay. I forgive you. I enjoyed the good times we shared, and learned from the bad times we didn't share. Even though it wasn't worth it in the end (and this truly is the end), I don't regret any of it.

I'm glad I made myself vulnerable to you. I'd do it again. Because (pay attention, my friend) that's how true friends are made.

You take down your fences and let people in. You roll onto your back and expose your belly. You remove your facade and show your true colours.

And maybe, one or two people won't walk all over you. They won't rip out your guts. They won't turn their backs on you.

They'll accept you and love you. They'll see what a wonderful person you are along with your character flaws, and they'll love you for all of it. They won't think any less of you for the poor choices you make even as they help you pick up the pieces when you fall. They won't hesitate to take care of you when you need it, nor to ask for care when they do. They'll be as vulnerable to you as you are to them.

They'll be true friends.

And when you have someone like that, you better hold on to them with all your strength. Make sure they hold on to you, too. You'd be a fool to lose them.


You're a fool, my friend.

Oxymoron!

Yeah, I just called you a moron that contains oxygen.

No, I didn't. I was talking about this blog's title.

I've never been a big fan of oxymorons, but I experience a lot of them. Beautifully ugly reptiles; repulsively attractive men; careful indifference from fearful foes; the hateful love of resentful relatives.

And, of course, the explicit implications I make when I want to convey a message without actually saying it.

There will be more explicitness that implicitness here, though. There will also be no delirious late-night ramblings, no personal attacks, and no drama.

Okay, maybe a little. But you'll love it.